Customer Watching

Any knife show will bring an assortment of nuts potential customers and over the years I have come to recognize them. I anticipate several novel sightings at the Cambridge Knife Show (Ohio Classic Knife Show) and I’ll blog about them. But the Medina gun show last weekend brought out a different one: the grunter.

We routinely see:

Snapperus excessivnous: This species has two main variants - the major snapper who opens every knife possible with a snap of the wrist once or twice and then leaves. The minor variation is the Little Snapper who selects one or two to open. This species suffers from OCD and would remain handling the same knife until he passes out or is chased away (the charitable thing to do).

Swapus bargainous: With a call sounding like “Would-ya-trade…” this bird attempts to parlay previous purchases into new purchases. This one is very friendly and quite social and never lingers long enough to become a problem.

Usamadeus selectivous: The quite rare variation is the customer who demands his knives are made in the USA and will uncork his wallet and purchase the higher priced knife. The more common variant makes the same demand, but then balks at the price. This one may be confused with the next species.

Priceus notunderstoodous: This is typically an older customer who can’t understand why prices are higher as compared to his first and apparently only knife. The confirming tell is the two-bladed folder he bought in 1948 for $8. If he shows you the knife, at least one half of each blade will be sharpened away.

Holdus internetous: This is a very secretive species and is often mistaken for the rare Genuinus customerous. They typically ask to see high end knives which they have read about and seen online. The goal is to evaluate your product and experience it before they purchase online. These customers are often found in high end bike stores and are known as Tirekickous cheapums.

The newest discovery in the customer ecological niche is Gruntius maximous. This customer signifies his pleasure or disapproval with grunts, snorts and other low pitched throat warbles. Opening each knife is accompanied with a small shrug and vocalization. He doesn’t buy anything either.


I’m applying to the National Science Foundation (http://www.nsf.gov/index.jsp) for a grant to identify, tag and survey this unique population and research why the females of these species are rarely if ever seen. My wife claims it’s because women have more sense.