Future Sharp

Bad news, my computer is sick, perhaps terminal. While smoke did not pour out the back, I kept getting notices of physical data dump in progress every time I went to use it. The IT guys are trying to recover my data, but I think I’m on my way to a new laptop.

However, the international brotherhood of blade spies was able to e-mail one last tid-bit which I was able to follow up on before the computer incident.

For those of us following the introduction of the five-bladed disposable shavers, I have astonishing news.


Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, I have discovered an unnamed company has been developing a 7-blade disposable razor which will truly be revolutionary and provide an impossible close shave by anyone’s definition.

The company, whose identity was redacted in the report, provides scientific technical support for CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research. During the search for the Higgs boson, CERN has produced small, but stable amounts of condensed matter typically existing only at the heart of collapsed stars. This material has been named Collapsium, for the strong gravity field it produces.

I’ve discovered plans that call for the incorporation of Collapsium at the edge of each multi-razor blade. The dense material will create gravitational anomalies causing microscopic shifts in time during shaving. This will allow you to shave, before they grow to the surface of your face, tomorrow’s whiskers today. Under normal use, your beard will never produce stubble, leaving your face baby-butt smooth. Why any man wants a baby butt for a face is beyond me, but I do know a few butts.

The classified document was obtained from the EPA because of an environmental disposal problem. Frankly, the physics and quantum mechanics were too advanced for me. I was able to connect, thanks to Facebook, with Professor Ian Michal Mountebank PhD, retired, of the University of Barsoon, who explained the problem.

I M (as he likes to be called) suggested the main difficulty is the disposal problem. While the blades will never wear out, since they are cutting tomorrow’s whiskers, they will be thrown out in favor of a newer novelty. The collection of such powerful time distorters in a landfill will cause a temporal rift connecting past and future razors.

This rift or wormhole will cause the future blades and surrounding garbage to be (have been, are, were – English has such difficulties with time travel) sucked back to the present. The paradox of having the same razor twice in the same time frame will exacerbate the rift causing more future and past razors and garbage to continually build up in a vicious cycle. Finally, sufficient Collapsium will collect in each landfill and the resulting gravitational influence will overcome electron cloud repulsion of normal matter.

You are entering the black hole zone.  Please fasten your seatbelt!

A black hole the size of Cleveland will form and end all life on earth in a matter of hours.

The company is seeking an exception from EPA landfill regulations.